Just a little over two weeks to go. I’ve kind been in this low level state of panic for about a week now which just seems to get worse the more I let myself think about things. I haven’t changed my mind, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my doubts. It’s a scary thing to undertake, one that I don’t think I could ever really approach with the blind enthusiasm I’ve seen in others.

And I realize it is just a starting point. It will change my body so radically in so many ways that it will always be a dividing point in my life: life before and life after. Life before I’m used to. I’ve had 30-odd years to get used to it. It’s not pleasant most of the time, and I’m not exactly all that happy with it, but it’s… familiar. Life after holds a lot of potential for great things. And just as much for bad. It’s that uncertainty, that complete relinquishment of control for some shadowy unknown that so frightens me. It’s always frightened me.

My response, also nothing new, has been to retreat within myself. Retreat not only from the people who have been in my life before I made this decision, but from the support system I found afterward. And that I worry may be a risky move on my part. But sometimes I simply do better handling things on my own, no matter how lonely it makes me (which probably make no sense at all, but there it is).

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