Category: Musings


Approaching the Starting Gate

Just a little over two weeks to go. I’ve kind been in this low level state of panic for about a week now which just seems to get worse the more I let myself think about things. I haven’t changed my mind, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my doubts. It’s a scary thing to undertake, one that I don’t think I could ever really approach with the blind enthusiasm I’ve seen in others.

And I realize it is just a starting point. It will change my body so radically in so many ways that it will always be a dividing point in my life: life before and life after. Life before I’m used to. I’ve had 30-odd years to get used to it. It’s not pleasant most of the time, and I’m not exactly all that happy with it, but it’s… familiar. Life after holds a lot of potential for great things. And just as much for bad. It’s that uncertainty, that complete relinquishment of control for some shadowy unknown that so frightens me. It’s always frightened me.

My response, also nothing new, has been to retreat within myself. Retreat not only from the people who have been in my life before I made this decision, but from the support system I found afterward. And that I worry may be a risky move on my part. But sometimes I simply do better handling things on my own, no matter how lonely it makes me (which probably make no sense at all, but there it is).

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A profound moment

Wednesday night I had my first ever hypnotherapy session. I thought I would look into other therapeutic methods to try and address my eating disorders. It was only one session, and I don’t know how much impact it had in changing my habits, but it was a remarkable experience just the same.

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What a “New Me” means

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about this surgery, which shouldn’t surprise anyone. I mean this is the sort of thing that demands a great deal of thought. At least, it should. But I’ve been thinking about the process as a whole and how I expect to be changed by it.

I obviously expect to lose weight. But there’s more to it than that for me. I’m also hoping to develop more normal, healthy eating patterns. But I’ve been wondering how all this will change me as a person. I’m not expecting to be the same person I am now, but I’m hoping that any changes that come are for the better. I hope that what my friends like about me remains but what I don’t like about myself will driven away.

I’m assuming that my body image issues will improve after I’ve lost weight, so I can only wonder whether the qualities I associate as being inherently me will also be lost, because they might be connected to those issues that plague me now. Will I still be the same quiet, asocial introvert that prefers to keep to the shadows while she observes the world. Will having a new body make me more comfortable in putting myself out there?